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Jewish World Review Aug. 7, 2003 / 9 Menachem-Av, 5763

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kobe judge bans reporters from making idiotic "court" puns


ESPN protests anti-punning order

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The judge in Kobe Bryant's sexual assault case today banned all reporters from making puns on the word "court," creating an uproar among media outlets whose coverage has consisted almost entirely of idiotic "court" puns.

Eagle County Judge Frederick Gannett issued the unusually specific gag order after reading a headline on the ABC News website that read, "Kobe Bryant Faces an Unfamiliar Court Today - a Court of Law."

"The temptation to make annoying puns based on the word 'court,' apparently, is just too great for these morons," Judge Gannett said, explaining the rationale behind the gag order.

In addition to "full-court press," "courting disaster," and "half court shot," Judge Gannett is considering expanding his order to ban such other basketball clichés as "slam dunk" and "at the buzzer."

But ESPN, the sports network whose coverage depends almost entirely on the use of cringe-worthy puns delivered by smirky anchormen, said today that the judge's actions might be unconstitutional, since the First Amendment protects the right of the press to make really stupid puns. "He's way out of bounds," said ESPN vice-president of programming Jonas Crandall. "We cry 'foul.'"

Mr. Crandall added that the judge had no right to "blow the whistle" on ESPN's penchant for punning and accused the judge of "goal-tending."

In other sports news, boxer Mike Tyson today announced plans for another comeback, saying that he would first participate in several tune-up bouts with waiters, coat check girls and parking attendants.

ESPN's Crandall said he expected the International Boxing Federation to give Tyson's plan "a technical knockout."

"Hey, that was a good one," Mr. Crandall said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

08/05/03: Poll: majority call athletes their number one fear
08/04/03: J. Lo and Ben flee angry U.S.
07/22/03: No longer Jenny From the Block, J. LO concedes
07/21/03: Kobe Bryant coverage foils Kim Jung-Il's plot to blow up world
07/09/03: Spike Lee sued by Sara Lee: Filmmaker, pie-maker in new legal tussle
07/08/03: Voice purporting to be bin Laden disputes authenticity of voice purporting to be Saddam
07/07/03: Thousands of Saddams surrender
06/27/03: Saddam alive, well, and dating Demi
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06/16/03: NYTimes admits serious errors in its weather forecasts
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06/11/03: As Hillary steals spotlight, Kim Jung-Il seethes
06/09/03: Iraqi information minister vows big changes at NYTimes
06/05/03: Martha Stewart recruiting look-alikes
05/30/03: Chirac calls for an end to French jokes
05/29/03: Peterson pleads temporary blondness
05/28/03: Dem hopefuls disappear
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03/14/03: Unnamed Dem announces candidacy
03/13/03: Blair to Britain: Just kidding! Claims Iraq position was elaborate practical joke
03/07/03: Hollywood group protests war, lack of good roles for women over forty
03/04/03: Al Jazeera preempts Osama tape for Michael Jackson special
03/03/03: U.S. threatens to turn al Qaeda kingpin over to Bill O'Reilly
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02/07/03: Michael Jackson admits plastic surgery; France unconvinced
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08/20/02: CIA asks CNN to find Osama
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06/10/02: June 17 named 'Athletes Obey the Law Day'
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04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
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04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
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04/16/02: Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar to appear on VH1's 'where are they now?'
04/12/02: Ken Lay declares moral bankruptcy
04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
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04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
04/05/02: Halle Berry still sobbing uncontrollably
04/02/02: Baseball players strike
04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
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02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
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02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
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01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

© 2003, Andy Borowitz