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Jewish World Review March 23, 2004 / 1 Nissan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Bush ignored phone messages from bin Laden

Put terror chief on hold, new book alleges | During his first several months in the White House, President George W. Bush repeatedly ignored urgent phone messages from al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden and even put the madman on hold, a new book published today alleges.

The book, "Terror on Line One" was written by Harland Cronin, a career intelligence officer who says that "a stack of phone messages" from Mr. bin Laden were completely overlooked by Mr. Bush.

"Sometimes when he called, bin Laden was forced to remain on hold for forty-five minutes or longer while the President refused to pick up," Mr. Cronin said today on CNN's "Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer." "According to the CIA file on bin Laden, nothing ticks him off more than being put on hold."

According to the book, Mr. Bush ignored the repeated calls from bin Laden because he was busy formulating a plan to declare war on gay marriage.

When a staffer submitted a report to Mr. Bush indicating that gay marriage posed no imminent threat to the U.S., the President scribbled "wrong answer" in the margin and returned the report to the staffer for further revision.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz