Jewish World Review Oct. 17, 2002 / 11 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763
Obesity may be America's secret weapon in war on terror
Americans taking up more space, leaving less for evildoers
Call it Survival of the Fattest.
Obesity, long thought to be one of America's nagging problems, may be something
else entirely - its secret weapon in the war on terror.
A new study out today offers evidence that as America grows fatter, it may actually offer
a stiffer challenge to terrorists who wish to infiltrate the U.S. for nefarious purposes.
"The average American today is between fifty and seventy pounds overweight," said Dr.
Charles Reardon, author of the study. "That means that a terrorist who hopes to fit in
here would have to eat like a pig to do so."
The end result, Dr. Reardon said, is that any terrorist trying to pass himself off as an
obese American would wind up in terrible cardiovascular shape, making him easier for
law enforcement to chase in a foot race.
"We're going to be looking at a whole new generation of flabby, easily winded
terrorists," Dr. Reardon said.
In addition, tougher restrictions on obese passengers by such airlines as Southwest -
who requires that obese flyers buy two seats instead of one - will have the effect of
"crowding out" would-be terrorists.
"All in all, Americans are taking up more room, leaving less room for evildoers," Dr.
Dr. Reardon said he hoped that the results of the survey would convince Americans
that eating more and exercising less were their patriotic duties.
The study, which was the culmination of six months of intensive research, was
commissioned by the Frito Lay Company in conjunction with Kentucky Fried Chicken.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz