Jewish World Review August 28, 2002 / 20 Elul, 5762
Labor move would deal death blow to baseball, experts warn
The Steroid Makers of America, a trade union representing over 12,000 of America's
steroid manufacturing workers, has set a strike date of August 30 if Major League
Baseball does not satisfy its list of demands.
Specifically, the steroid makers are demanding a significant percentage of
baseball's ticket sales, merchandising and broadcast revenue to reflect the
increasing role steroid use has played in baseball over the last decade.
While the steroid makers are looking for across-the-board participation in
baseball's various revenue streams, they are seeking a higher percentage of profits
garnered by the so-called "big arm" franchises.
A "big arm" franchise, as the steroid makers define it, is any team whose players
have biceps with a greater circumference than a utility pole.
Sandy McFarland, chief negotiator for the steroid makers, raised the ugly specter of
an October with no steroids.
"We are not taking the decision to strike lightly," Mr. McFarland said. "We are well
aware that taking steroids is our national pastime."
But even as baseball fans across the country hope and pray that the steroid makers
do not go on strike as threatened, experts warned that a steroid makers' strike could
open a Pandora's box that might alter the baseball landscape forever.
"If steroid makers get their way, soon crack dealers will want their share of the gate,"
said one expert familiar with the steroid negotiations. "Where does it end?"
While most observers feel that a crack dealers' strike remains a long shot, the
Crack Dealers of America, a union representing America's 400,000 crack dealers,
has set September 15 as a tentative strike date.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz