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Jewish World Review Feb. 10, 2004 / 18 Shevat, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Dean begs Gore to endorse Kerry instead

Last-ditch attempt to salvage campaign | Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, facing elimination from the Democratic presidential race, has begged former Vice President Al Gore to endorse Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) in the hopes of slowing or even reversing the frontrunning Senator's momentum.

""Howard has come to the conclusion that the only thing that could derail John Kerry at this point is an endorsement from Al Gore,"" one Dean aide said today. ""If Al really wants us to win this thing, he'll endorse Kerry as soon as possible.""

Political experts agreed that a Gore endorsement is the most surefire way to destroy a candidacy, and considerably less expensive than negative campaign ads.

""Right now, the only things in American politics that can stop a frontrunner are a sex scandal, a major gaffe, or an endorsement from Al Gore,"" said Democratic strategist Danny Clurman. ""It is truly the weapon of mass destruction.""

The former Vice President first demonstrated the impact of his endorsements last fall, when he picked both the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox to reach the World Series.

Mr. Gore, who is reportedly mulling using his mighty endorsement powers to destroy John Kerry's campaign, spent the last several weeks lobbying Grammy voters to vote for the singer Beyonce in the Best Song category.

Sunday night, Beyonce did in fact win five Grammys, but failed to win Best Song, an outcome many attributed to the former Vice President's efforts.

""I'm very honored to have won five Grammys, but I wish Al Gore had kept his big mouth shut,"" the singer told reporters after the Grammycast.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz