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Jewish World Review
April 15, 2005
/ 6 Nissan, 5765
Britney's husband reproducing at an alarming rate
Explosion of Federlines is taxing world resources, experts fear
Two days after pop tart Britney Spears announced that she was pregnant with her first child, environmental experts around the globe warned that Ms. Spears' husband, Kevin Federline, is reproducing at an alarming rate.
Some of the world's most renowned experts in the field of ecology, attending a world environmental conference in Buenos Aires, said that by most measures Mr. Federline was reproducing at a pace that was not ecologically sustainable.
"Mr. Federline had two children by his fiancée, Shar Jackson, whom he left to hook up with Britney," said Dr. Zang Liangyong of Beijing University. "He has produced three offspring in short order, and we ignore this trend at our peril."
Another conference attendee, Dr. Torvald Vigeland of the University of Oslo, worried that if Mr. Federline continues to reproduce at such a torrid pace his offspring may eventually produce more greenhouse gases than most developing nations.
"I know I am not alone in saying this, but Kevin Federline may already be in violation of the Kyoto Treaty," Dr. Vigeland said.
In Washington, Vice President Dick Cheney said that a "looming Federline explosion" would put an even greater strain on the nation's petroleum reserves, making it "imperative" that the U.S. begin drilling for oil in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge at once.
For his part, Mr. Federline, seemingly unruffled by the doomsday predictions that his unprecedented fertility has provoked, issued the following statement to the press: "Whatever."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005, Andy Borowitz
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