Jewish World Review Sept. 30, 2002 / 24 Tishrei, 5763
U.N. to begin weapons inspections
sometime between 8 and 12 this morning;
asks Iraq if someone will be home
Saddam demands 'more exact time'
U.N. weapons inspectors have informed Iraq that they will be arriving to look for
weapons of mass destruction sometime between 8 A.M. and twelve noon today and
have asked if someone will be home to let them in.
In a potential roadblock to the weapons inspection process, however, Iraqi
strongman Saddam Hussein has demanded that the inspectors give "a more exact
time" when he can expect them to arrive.
In a sharply worded statement, the Iraqi leader said he was "too busy oppressing
my people and purging members of my own family to spend the entire morning
waiting for the inspectors to show up."
Saddam added that the last time U.N. inspectors came to look for weapons of mass
destruction in his country, "they said they'd come in the morning, and I waited until
two in the afternoon before they finally showed up. It was totally bogus."
The weapons inspectors defended their tardiness, however, saying that Iraq had not
been first on the schedule for that day and that weapons inspections in other rogue
nations had "run late."
In addition, the U.N. encouraged Saddam to avail himself of the toll-free automated
weapons inspection hotline that the world body has set up especially for him and
other evil despots.
A caller to the toll-free number reaches a recorded voice indicating the following
prompts: "Press 1 if you are hiding chemical weapons; press 2 if your are hiding
biological weapons; press 3 if you are hoping to acquire fissionable nuclear
material in the next six to twelve months."
Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
'09/18/02: Monday Night Football' to air fights between fans instead of football
09/13/02: Airlines ban back-shaving on all domestic flights
09/10/02: Adam Sandler films on the increase, Center for Disease Control warns
09/09/02: GE still paying for Welch's crack, 'women'
09/06/02: Britney Spears' year off poses dire eco-threat
09/04/02: Air marshals defend 'controlled scaring' policy
09/03/02: Airlines to charge extra for airsickness bags
08/29/02: ABC admits it has no idea what it is doing
08/28/02: Steroid makers threaten strike
08/27/02: CNN urges U.S. not to invade Iraq until sweeps
08/26/02: Gore travels U.S. dressed as hobo
08/23/02: Sharks bemoan lack of summer media coverage
08/22/02: Clinton to star in 'C.S.I.' spin-off for CBS
08/20/02: CIA asks CNN to find Osama
08/14/02: Beer drinking promotes longer life, say drunken pilots
08/07/02: Copycat miners trap selves for movie deal
07/31/02: Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton unlikely to find equally icky new mates
07/24/02: As markets crash, the world asks: Where is Bono?
07/22/02: Time Warner admits it was high on crack when it merged with AOL
07/19/02: Poll: Most Americans believe they have already seen newHarrison Ford film
07/15/02: Brokerage houses to enclose Prozac with monthly statements
07/12/02: Baseball takes bold steps to alienate remaining fans
07/09/02: Michael Jackson accuses Sony Music chief of stealing his nose
07/03/02: CIA using American CEOs to infiltrate al Qaeda
06/13/02: Victims of Eminem's latest verbal assaults agree to mend their ways
06/10/02: June 17 named 'Athletes Obey the Law Day'
05/29/02: Bush urges CIA to pretend FBI agents are Russian spies
05/28/02: U.S. issues list of 5,000 bad things that might happen someday
05/22/02 Depression screening reveals: 98% of Americans depressed
05/20/02 Woody Allen sightings up sharply in 2002
05/16/02 Carter, in Wisconsin, sees no evidence of cheese
05/09/02 Showing commitment to democracy, Pakistan's leader runs negative ads against himself
05/07/02 Bush to dump cheney, run with Ozzy Osbourne in '04
05/06/02 'Spider-Man' film riddled with inaccuracies, says man with way too much time on his hands
05/02/02 Arafat placed under house arrest with former Sotheby's exec
05/01/02 Minnelli marriage enters Day 47, baffling experts
04/30/02 Saudis increase production of bossy foreign policy lectures
04/25/02: AlGore regrets breakdancing incident
04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
04/22/02: O.J. calls Robert Blake murder case 'derivative'
04/19/02: Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage
04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
04/17/02: Segway creator invents 'round thingy'
04/16/02: Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar to appear on VH1's 'where are they now?'
04/12/02: Ken Lay declares moral bankruptcy
04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
04/09/02: Oprah closes book club, opens pie club
04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
04/05/02: Halle Berry still sobbing uncontrollably
04/02/02: Baseball players strike
04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS
© 2002, Andy Borowitz