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Jewish World Review Sept. 30, 2002 / 24 Tishrei, 5763

Andy Borowitz

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U.N. to begin weapons inspections sometime between 8 and 12 this morning; asks Iraq if someone will be home

Saddam demands 'more exact time' | U.N. weapons inspectors have informed Iraq that they will be arriving to look for weapons of mass destruction sometime between 8 A.M. and twelve noon today and have asked if someone will be home to let them in.

In a potential roadblock to the weapons inspection process, however, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein has demanded that the inspectors give "a more exact time" when he can expect them to arrive.

In a sharply worded statement, the Iraqi leader said he was "too busy oppressing my people and purging members of my own family to spend the entire morning waiting for the inspectors to show up."

Saddam added that the last time U.N. inspectors came to look for weapons of mass destruction in his country, "they said they'd come in the morning, and I waited until two in the afternoon before they finally showed up. It was totally bogus."

The weapons inspectors defended their tardiness, however, saying that Iraq had not been first on the schedule for that day and that weapons inspections in other rogue nations had "run late."

In addition, the U.N. encouraged Saddam to avail himself of the toll-free automated weapons inspection hotline that the world body has set up especially for him and other evil despots.

A caller to the toll-free number reaches a recorded voice indicating the following prompts: "Press 1 if you are hiding chemical weapons; press 2 if your are hiding biological weapons; press 3 if you are hoping to acquire fissionable nuclear material in the next six to twelve months."

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


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© 2002, Andy Borowitz