Jewish World Review July 9, 2002 /29 Tamuz, 5762
Michael Jackson accuses Sony Music
chief of stealing his nose
Blames Failure of Most Recent Record on Lack of Nose
Once-popular pop singer Michael Jackson leveled new attacks at his record label
today, accusing Sony Music chief Tommy Mottola of stealing his nose.
Crisscrossing Manhattan with the Reverend Al Sharpton, Wacko Jacko singled out Mr.
Mottola as the author of a plot to purloin his precious facial feature, which Lloyds of
London has valued at well over $48 million.
"Tommy Mottola, give me my nose back, or your nose will burn in hell," Mr. Jackson
said to increasingly perplexed crowds.
Mr. Jackson blamed the worldwide failure of his last record, the ironically titled
"Invincible", on the fact that he wrote, produced, and recorded the tracks without a nose.
While reluctant to comment on his allegations, record industry insiders were surprised
to see Mr. Jackson accompanied by Reverend Sharpton, an African American, since Mr.
Jackson's fan base is principally composed of European and Japanese teenagers
who are under the impression that Mr. Jackson is still popular in the U.S.
For his part, Mr. Mottola released a tersely worded statement denying any knowledge of
the whereabouts of the erstwhile King of Pop's nose.
"It is my recollection that when Michael Jackson signed with Sony Music his nose had
already gone missing," the statement read.
The mystery of Mr. Jackson's missing nose may be near resolution, however, as a
source close to Winona Ryder revealed that the embattled actress is about to
acknowledge that she is in possession of the Grammy-winning artist's nose.
"Winona didn't mean to steal Michael Jackson's nose," the source said. "She thought
she had paid for it when she put it in her handbag."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz