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Jewish World Review Jan. 5, 2005 / 24 Teves, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Steinbrenner's wallet tests positive for steroids

Yankees boss denies wallet-doping charges | Just hours after the New York Yankees concluded a deal for star pitcher Randy Johnson, the wallet of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner tested positive for steroids, Major League Baseball confirmed today.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said that Mr. Steinbrenner's wallet had used steroids to morph from a normal billfold into a "monstrous, bloated moneybag," but added that Major League Baseball had no provisions for penalizing the use of wallet-enhancing substances.

Speaking from Tampa, Florida, Mr. Steinbrenner denied doping his wallet, arguing that if the wallet had been injected with steroids it had occurred while it was out of his possession.

Mr. Steinbrenner suggested that a steroid-laced salve or gel might have been applied to his wallet at night while it sat on his nightstand, for example.

But he cast doubt on the test results altogether when he said that the wallet could have grown to gigantic proportions as a result of "strenuous exercise" during his entire tenure as Yankee owner.

Rival baseball executives, however, were not buying Mr. Steinbrenner's theory, arguing that his wallet appeared to have "unnatural bulges" at this year's baseball winter meetings.

Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein was among those suspecting that Mr. Steinbrenner's billfold had used synthetic means to expand grotesquely during the off-season.

"When I saw George at the winter meetings, I was like, either his wallet's on steroids or he's happy to see me," Mr. Epstein said.

Elsewhere, in a stunning conclusion to the long-running Disney trial, a Delaware jury found that both Michael Eisner and Michael Ovitz were "a--holes."

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz