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Jewish World Review Dec. 1, 2004 / 18 Kislev, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

In tearful resignation, Ridge admits he is color blind

Choosing terror alerts was ‘a living hell’ | In a tearful resignation speech at the White House today, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge admitted for the first time that he is "totally color blind," a condition that made choosing terror alerts "a living hell."

Those who gathered for the resignation speech had expected Mr. Ridge to say that he was leaving to spend more time with his family, or for some equally bogus reason, and were therefore all the more stunned by his color-blindness bombshell.

"For my entire life, I have been totally, absolutely color blind," Mr. Ridge said to his flabbergasted audience. "I look at that terror alert chart and see one big gray blob."

Mr. Ridge said that he did not think his color-blindness would affect his job performance when he first assumed the Homeland Security helm, adding, "On the first day, I just kind of bluffed my way through when they showed me fabric swatches for my office furniture."

But once the terror-alert color-code system was introduced, Mr. Ridge said, "My goose was kicked."

"For the last two years, I have lived in mortal fear that my eeny-meeny-miny-mo system of choosing alert levels would eventually come to light," he confessed.

One White House aide who was present at Mr. Ridge's resignation praised the color-blind cabinet member for his courage in coming clean: "The only braver thing I can imagine would be John Ashcroft admitting that he's never read the Constitiution."

Elsewhere, Congress once again refused to act on the 9/11 Commission report, explaining that it was waiting for the movie.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz