Jewish World Review Oct. 22, 2002 / 16 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763
Saddam offers former prisoners
plastic surgery to look like him
Goal: One million Saddams by 2005
In his latest show of generosity to his nation, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein
today offered all recently released Iraqi prisoners plastic surgery to make them look
exactly like him.
"In addition to freedom, I want each and every one of you to have the opportunity of
looking just me," Saddam said today in a national radio address. "I hope you will
enjoy your new, sexier face, and that you will use it wisely."
While the Iraqi dictator has employed as many as a dozen lookalikes in the past,
presumably to make the job of locating and killing him more difficult, his new plastic
surgery offer represents an ambitious ramping up of that program.
In the words of one Iraqi official familiar with Saddam's plan, "By 2005 he wants to
have a million Saddams running around the place."
In addition to the Saddamifying of the former prisoners, Iraqi factories are working
overtime manufacturing matching suits, ties and pajamas to make the newly
released Iraqi men virtually indistinguishable from Saddam.
And while 100% of the prisoners are expected to take Saddam up on his offer to
have a face just like his -- for fear of appearing not to like Saddam's face -- one
prisoner who has already undergone the procedure admitted that he was
somewhat disappointed by the results.
"I only wanted to look like Saddam because I thought it would help me get girls,"
said the prisoner, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "But now when I walk into a
bar in Baghdad, everyone looks like Saddam. It's kind of a gyp."
Meanwhile, the U.S. State Department would not confirm intelligence reports that
Saddam himself underwent plastic surgery over the weekend to make him look
exactly like Fleetwood Mac lead singer Stevie Nicks.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz