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Jewish World Review Oct. 22, 2002 / 16 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Saddam offers former prisoners plastic surgery to look like him


Goal: One million Saddams by 2005

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | In his latest show of generosity to his nation, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein today offered all recently released Iraqi prisoners plastic surgery to make them look exactly like him.

"In addition to freedom, I want each and every one of you to have the opportunity of looking just me," Saddam said today in a national radio address. "I hope you will enjoy your new, sexier face, and that you will use it wisely."

While the Iraqi dictator has employed as many as a dozen lookalikes in the past, presumably to make the job of locating and killing him more difficult, his new plastic surgery offer represents an ambitious ramping up of that program.

In the words of one Iraqi official familiar with Saddam's plan, "By 2005 he wants to have a million Saddams running around the place."

In addition to the Saddamifying of the former prisoners, Iraqi factories are working overtime manufacturing matching suits, ties and pajamas to make the newly released Iraqi men virtually indistinguishable from Saddam.

And while 100% of the prisoners are expected to take Saddam up on his offer to have a face just like his -- for fear of appearing not to like Saddam's face -- one prisoner who has already undergone the procedure admitted that he was somewhat disappointed by the results.

"I only wanted to look like Saddam because I thought it would help me get girls," said the prisoner, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "But now when I walk into a bar in Baghdad, everyone looks like Saddam. It's kind of a gyp."

Meanwhile, the U.S. State Department would not confirm intelligence reports that Saddam himself underwent plastic surgery over the weekend to make him look exactly like Fleetwood Mac lead singer Stevie Nicks.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

10/18/02: CBS Morning Show to go with ninety co-hosts
10/17/02: Obesity may be America's secret weapon in war on terror
10/16/02: Saddam trounces Gore in Iraqi election
10/15/02: Bin Laden seeking Botox, U.S. says
10/14/02: O.J. no longer "100% sure" he's innocent
10/11/02: Waging psychological warfare, U.S. drops VCR manuals on Iraq
10/10/02: Networks cancel sitcoms, dramas; will air Bush foreign policy speeches instead
10/08/02: Bin Laden removes his name from 'Osama' magazine
10/04/02: Downgrading of Lili wreaks damage in the millions for CNN, MSNBC
10/03/02: Yankees win divisional series for $175 million
10/02/02: New Jersey Democrats launch write-in campaign for Joe Piscopo
10/01/02: Torricelli quits senate race; will become corrupt CEO instead
09/30/02: U.N. to begin weapons inspections sometime between 8 and 12 this morning; asks Iraq if someone will be home
09/18/02: 'Monday Night Football' to air fights between fans instead of football
09/13/02: Airlines ban back-shaving on all domestic flights
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03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
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03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
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02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
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02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz