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Jewish World Review Jan. 4, 2005 / 23 Teves, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

In effort to demoralize enemy, Rumsfeld holds pep rally for insurgents

‘Charmless offensive’ begins | In a bold attempt to undermine the insurgency prior to the Iraqi elections this month, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld hosted what was described as a "pep rally" for insurgents in Baghdad today, leaving most terrorists in attendance "totally demoralized," observers said.

With just four weeks remaining before the January 30 vote, the White House reasoned that Mr. Rumsfeld's ability to alienate and discourage large numbers of people with his curt responses and brusque manner could be a powerful weapon to attack and possibly destroy the insurgency altogether.

Over the past few weeks, U.S. planes dropped leaflets over insurgent-controlled areas in Iraq announcing today's meeting with Secretary Rumsfeld, which was billed as "a pep rally and Q & A session for all Iraqi insurgents."

At the rally today, Mr. Rumsfeld wasted no time launching into what aides called a "charmless offensive" designed to leave the insurgents feeling thoroughly discouraged.

When asked about the ragtag condition of some of the insurgent units, Mr. Rumsfeld shrugged and said, "You wage an insurgency with the terrorists you have, not the terrorists you might want."

After giving similarly dismissive responses to a handful of questions, Mr. Rumsfeld worked the crowd in a cursory way, stopping to give several insurgents his autograph with an autopen.

"Before Rumsfeld started speaking, I was dedicated to the insurgency," said terrorist Maysaloun Salim, 27. "Now I have lost the will to live."

Elsewhere, the Food and Drug Administration announced today that anyone who has taken any kind of pill in the last five years will die by the end of this week.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz