Jewish World Review March 10, 2004 / 17 Adar, 5764
Martha was framed, says O.J.
Offers to help look for the real liars
Embattled domestic diva Martha Stewart received support from an unlikely ally today in the person of former football great O.J. Simpson.
Mr. Simpson took time out from a round of golf in Sarasota, Florida to tell members of the press that he believed Ms. Stewart had been "framed" in her recent trial on charges stemming from her sale of ImClone stock.
The Heisman Trophy winner said that he would drop everything to help Ms. Stewart, telling reporters, "From this day forward, I will dedicate all of my time and energy to finding the real liars."
According to Mr. Simpson, the domestic doyenne was not responsible for the lies about her stock sale, but instead was "set up" by "the real liars," whose identities remain unknown.
"I've got a few leads as to who the real liars might be," Mr. Simpson said. "I don't want to give away anything that might hinder my investigation, but let's just say that all of the clues point to Columbian drug lords."
Mr. Simpson also slammed Ms. Stewart's defense team, criticizing their closing argument for what he called "a total absence of catchy rhymes."
Arguing that Ms. Stewart should have hired attorney Johnnie Cochran to defend her, Mr. Simpson said, "If Johnnie had been doing that closing argument, he would have said something like, 'If she decided to sell, what the hell?' and she'd be out on the links today."
Elsewhere, North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il became the latest Disney shareholder to denounce CEO Michael Eisner, calling Mr. Eisner's management style "too autocratic."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to
Surviving in Prison and
"Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
© 2004, Andy Borowitz