Jewish World Review Jan. 2, 2003 / 28 Teves, 5763
Dick Clark: I am a clone
So-called ageless wonder stuns world with beauty secret
As the shimmering ball in Times Square prepared to herald the beginning of 2003,
"New Year's Rockin' Eve" host Dick Clark stunned the world by revealing that he is a
human clone created by a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Mr. Clark's announcement was later confirmed by a spokesperson for the embattled
cloning group Clonaid.
"Dick Clark is, in fact, a human clone," said the spokesperson for Clonaid in a press
conference at a Holiday Inn in Hollywood, Florida. "A new Dick Clark has been
cloned every year for the last fifty years, keeping the world's supply of Dick Clarks
replenished at all times."
The Clonaid spokesman said that a race of super-intelligent aliens had cloned the
first Dick Clark fifty years ago in order to create a host for a "televised music program
that would bring joy and danceable music to the world's youth."
While some scientists immediately questioned the credibility of Clonaid's Dick
Clark announcement, there was general agreement that the cloning revelations, if
true, would go a long way to explaining Mr. Clark's perpetually youthful appearance.
"It's the only explanation that really makes sense," said Dr. William Grossman of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Throughout the television industry, there was ramped-up interest in retaining the
services of Clonaid to create clones of successful television performers to fill the
networks' struggling primetime schedules.
NBC Entertainment President Jeff Zucker, however, expressed "no interest" in
Clonaid's services, explaining that his network had successfully cloned "Law and
Order" many times without any outside help.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2003, Andy Borowitz