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Jewish World Review
Feb. 14, 2005
/ 5 Adar I, 5765
Condi offers to give France Michael Moore
Gift of filmmaker seen as olive branch
In a major foreign policy speech in Paris today, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice extended an olive branch to the French by offering to give them the filmmaker Michael Moore.
"We hope you will put aside past differences to work for peace and stability in the Middle East," Dr. Rice told her audience at the Institute of Political Studies. "And in exchange, we will give you Michael Moore."
In addition to the handover of Michael Moore, Dr. Rice offered to change the name of "Freedom Fries" back to "French fries" and to order Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to start calling Old Europe "Good Old Europe."
While Dr. Rice's offer to transfer sovereignty over Mr. Moore appeared to be unprecedented, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said today that "there is nothing in the United States constitution that explicitly prohibits" the White House from giving the controversial film director to France.
But Dr. Rice's overtures may not have gone far enough for French President Jacques Chirac, who reportedly is open to the idea of obtaining Michael Moore but is holding out for Jerry Lewis.
At the State Department, diplomats were reportedly working around the clock on a deal that would transfer both Mr. Moore and Mr. Lewis to France, but according to one insider, "If Chirac expects us to throw in Mickey Rourke, that's a deal-breaker."
Elsewhere, the British scientist who cloned Dolly the sheep was given permission to clone humans, but only after he promised not to clone Britney Spears, Ben Affleck, or any of the contestants from "American Idol."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz