Jewish World Review April 11, 2002 / 30 Nisan, 5762
FAA pronounces 'runaway plane'
experiment a success
Rolling Empty Planes Into the Street Will Shorten Security Procedures,
The FAA, searching for ways to shorten time-consuming security checks at the
nation's airports, conducted what they called a "controlled experiment" at Los
Angeles International Airport today, rolling an American Airlines 767 into the street
with nobody on board.
FAA officials said that the experiment, erroneously reported as a "runaway plane" by
the news media, represented a major breakthrough in their efforts to speed up
"We've suspected for some time that most airport security problems stem from
having people on board the airplanes," said Frank Devane of the FAA. "By rolling
empty planes into the street, we effectively eliminate that problem."
Based on the success of the FAA's experiment, Devane said he expected most
domestic carriers to start rolling empty planes into the street by the third quarter of
In addition to speeding up security, Devane said, rolling empty planes into the street
will mean "significant fuel savings" for the battered airline industry, as well as
improved aviation safety statistics.
"And you can kiss trying to remember who had the 'special meal' goodbye," Devane
Critics of the FAA's plan argued that once people realize that planes are not taking
off but are merely being rolled into the street, they will stop going to the airport
But Devane brushed off this criticism.
"If people stop going to the airport," Devane said, "that'll really speed up
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz