Jewish World Review Sept. 18, 2002 / 12 Tishrei, 5763
Andy Borowitz
'Monday Night Football' to air fights
between fans instead of football
Drunken brawls more compelling than game, ABC says
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com |
After a brawl in the stands interrupted this week's edition of ABC's "Monday Night
Football," executives at the struggling network have decided to stop covering football
on Monday nights to focus on fan fights instead.
"After reviewing the tapes, we found that the fights in the stands were much more
compelling than what was happening down on the field," said Peter Greider, an
executive at ABC Sports.
Next week's broadcast will kick off with singer Hank Williams Jr. asking the musical
question, "Are you ready for a beer brawl?"
To enhance its coverage, ABC will employ slow-motion replays of wild punches
thrown by ruddy-faced, liquored-up fans and will introduce the BeerCam™, a
miniature camera that will give a "beer's-eye view" of the drunken brawls.
ABC's Greider insisted that beer-fueled fan fights were in the grand tradition of
athletic competition, dating back to Roman times.
"Drunken fans are our modern-day gladiators," he said.
In other television news, executives at CBS who had been seeking a regime change
at CBS' "Early Show" justified their decision to oust host Jane Clayson, accusing
Ms. Clayson of using "weapons of mispronunciation."
But a new study from the Brookings Institute said that the task of rebuilding "The
Early Show" in the aftermath of Ms. Clayson's departure would be a daunting one.
In a "worst-case scenario," the Brookings study warned, power could eventually fall
into the hands of such destabilizing "rogue hosts" as Harry Smith and Deborah
Norville, plunging the cellar-dwelling program into ratings chaos.
Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
09/13/02: Airlines ban back-shaving on all domestic flights
09/10/02: Adam Sandler films on the increase, Center for Disease Control warns
09/09/02: GE still paying for Welch's crack, 'women'
09/06/02: Britney Spears' year off poses dire eco-threat
09/04/02: Air marshals defend 'controlled scaring' policy
09/03/02: Airlines to charge extra for airsickness bags
08/29/02: ABC admits it has no idea what it is doing
08/28/02: Steroid makers threaten strike
08/27/02: CNN urges U.S. not to invade Iraq until sweeps
08/26/02: Gore travels U.S. dressed as hobo
08/23/02: Sharks bemoan lack of summer media coverage
08/22/02: Clinton to star in 'C.S.I.' spin-off for CBS
08/20/02: CIA asks CNN to find Osama
08/14/02: Beer drinking promotes longer life, say drunken pilots
08/07/02: Copycat miners trap selves for movie deal
07/31/02: Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton unlikely to find equally icky new mates
07/24/02: As markets crash, the world asks: Where is Bono?
07/22/02: Time Warner admits it was high on crack when it merged with AOL
07/19/02: Poll: Most Americans believe they have already seen newHarrison Ford film
07/15/02: Brokerage houses to enclose Prozac with monthly statements
07/12/02: Baseball takes bold steps to alienate remaining fans
07/09/02: Michael Jackson accuses Sony Music chief of stealing his nose
07/03/02: CIA using American CEOs to infiltrate al Qaeda
06/13/02: Victims of Eminem's latest verbal assaults agree to mend their ways
06/10/02: June 17 named 'Athletes Obey the Law Day'
05/29/02: Bush urges CIA to pretend FBI agents are Russian spies
05/28/02: U.S. issues list of 5,000 bad things that might happen someday
05/22/02 Depression screening reveals: 98% of Americans depressed
05/20/02 Woody Allen sightings up sharply in 2002
05/16/02 Carter, in Wisconsin, sees no evidence of cheese
05/09/02 Showing commitment to democracy, Pakistan's leader runs negative ads against himself
05/07/02 Bush to dump cheney, run with Ozzy Osbourne in '04
05/06/02 'Spider-Man' film riddled with inaccuracies, says man with way too much time on his hands
05/02/02 Arafat placed under house arrest with former Sotheby's exec
05/01/02 Minnelli marriage enters Day 47, baffling experts
04/30/02 Saudis increase production of bossy foreign policy lectures
04/25/02: AlGore regrets breakdancing incident
04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
04/22/02: O.J. calls Robert Blake murder case 'derivative'
04/19/02: Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage
04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
04/17/02: Segway creator invents 'round thingy'
04/16/02: Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar to appear on VH1's 'where are they now?'
04/12/02: Ken Lay declares moral bankruptcy
04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
04/09/02: Oprah closes book club, opens pie club
04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
04/05/02: Halle Berry still sobbing uncontrollably
04/02/02: Baseball players strike
04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS
© 2002, Andy Borowitz
|