Jewish World Review Sept. 18, 2002 / 12 Tishrei, 5763
'Monday Night Football' to air fights
between fans instead of football
Drunken brawls more compelling than game, ABC says
After a brawl in the stands interrupted this week's edition of ABC's "Monday Night
Football," executives at the struggling network have decided to stop covering football
on Monday nights to focus on fan fights instead.
"After reviewing the tapes, we found that the fights in the stands were much more
compelling than what was happening down on the field," said Peter Greider, an
executive at ABC Sports.
Next week's broadcast will kick off with singer Hank Williams Jr. asking the musical
question, "Are you ready for a beer brawl?"
To enhance its coverage, ABC will employ slow-motion replays of wild punches
thrown by ruddy-faced, liquored-up fans and will introduce the BeerCam™, a
miniature camera that will give a "beer's-eye view" of the drunken brawls.
ABC's Greider insisted that beer-fueled fan fights were in the grand tradition of
athletic competition, dating back to Roman times.
"Drunken fans are our modern-day gladiators," he said.
In other television news, executives at CBS who had been seeking a regime change
at CBS' "Early Show" justified their decision to oust host Jane Clayson, accusing
Ms. Clayson of using "weapons of mispronunciation."
But a new study from the Brookings Institute said that the task of rebuilding "The
Early Show" in the aftermath of Ms. Clayson's departure would be a daunting one.
In a "worst-case scenario," the Brookings study warned, power could eventually fall
into the hands of such destabilizing "rogue hosts" as Harry Smith and Deborah
Norville, plunging the cellar-dwelling program into ratings chaos.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz