Jewish World Review May 16, 2002 /5 Sivan, 5762
Carter, in Wisconsin, sees no
evidence of cheese
Recently Failed Eye Test, Former President Admits
Fresh from his successful fact-finding trip to Cuba, former President Jimmy Carter
visited Wisconsin today and said that he found "no evidence of cheese" anywhere in
"I am confident that there is no cheese anywhere in Wisconsin," Mr. Carter said after
completing his tour of the state's dairy farms, cheese-making facilities and cheese
Mr. Carter's pronouncement about the absence of cheese in Wisconsin drew a tart
rebuke from the Department of Agriculture.
"Wisconsin is lousy with cheese," one Agriculture official said. "Has that meddling
fool had his eyes checked lately?"
In response, Mr. Carter acknowledged that he had, in fact, failed a recent eye test,
and that he had also recently mistaken his wife Rosalyn for former national security
advisor Zbignew Brzezinski.
He also admitted that, possibly as a result of his vision problems, he had recently
hit his thumb with a hammer "eighty or ninety times" while building a home for
Habitat for Humanity.
In addition, Mr. Carter said, the secret service had recently changed his code name
to "Mr. Magoo."
While Mr. Carter said that he was looking forward to briefing President Bush about
his visits to Cuba and Wisconsin, White House sources said the President had no
intention of meeting with Mr. Carter, and would instead try to trick the former
President by having him talk to a hand puppet operated by senior advisor Karl Rove.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz