Jewish World Review Nov. 21, 2003 / 26 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764
Jacko reporters trample Osama
Al-Qaeda topper caught in Neverland stampede
Reporters desperate for a glimpse of Michael Jackson today accidentally trampled al-Qaeda terror boss Osama bin Laden, whose appearance at the singer's Neverland ranch went virtually unnoticed.
Mr. bin Laden reportedly made the torturous journey from the mountainous region along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border to Santa Barbara in the hopes of receiving a signed copy of Mr. Jackson's new greatest hits CD, "Number Ones."
A recent posting on the official al-Qaeda website alluded to Mr. bin Laden's wish to have a private meeting with Mr. Jackson in which the self-styled King of Pop could teach the terror chief his legendary "moonwalking" dance moves.
But the Saudi madman's timing could not have been worse, as news of Mr. Jackson's imminent arrival set off a stampede of cameramen and reporters who trampled the terrified bin Laden.
"I want to learn how to moonwalk and all, but life is too short," bin Laden reportedly said before returning to his undisclosed cave.
Elsewhere, Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark said that the Santa Barbara sheriff's office had no clear "exit strategy" from the Neverland ranch and urged that the seventy or so law enforcement personnel swarming over the estate be replaced by NATO troops.
French President Jacques Chirac said that France would not participate in such a force but would be more than willing to occupy Britney Spears.
Newly elected California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had no comment on the Jackson controversy, but apologized to workers at the state capitol after his body repeatedly set off the building's metal detectors.
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Andy Borowitz Archives
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to
Surviving in Prison and
"Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
© 2003, Andy Borowitz