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Jewish World Review Jan. 11, 2002 / 27Teves, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports


Evildoer Has Not Had a Date in Months, CIA Believes --
In an abrupt change in strategy, the U.S. military today announced plans to lure Osama bin Laden out of hiding by running a torrid personal ad guaranteed to catch the al Qaeda kingpin's attention.

The ad, penned by a team of top CIA agents, aims to trap a man who, in the estimate of top intelligence officials, has not had a date in several months.

"Quite frankly, we're betting he's as ho-ny as a marching band," said one high-ranking CIA source.

The agency-crafted personal ad reads as follows:

READY TO DO SOME EVIL? Hot, slender thirtysomething single female megalomaniac looking for tall, skeletal globe-threatening madman to share the good life: hiding in caves, making spooky videos, and jihad! No smokers, please.

The CIA has placed the ad in newspapers in Kandahar, Tora Bora and, based on a long-shot tip, Boca Raton, Florida.

While top military brass in the U.S. are said to be bullish about their unorthodox new tactic, terrorism expert Clark Renfield, author of a recent bestselling book about bin Laden, is openly skeptical.

"After weeks of allied bombing, Osama bin Laden is a desperate man," Renfield said. "But I don't think he's desperate enough to respond to a personal ad."

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2002, Andy Borowitz