Andy Borowitz

	JWR's Pundits World Editorial Cartoon Showcase Mallard Fillmore Mona Charen Linda Chavez Ann Coulter Greg Crosby Larry Elder Don Feder Suzanne Fields James Glassman Paul Greenberg Bob Greene Betsy Hart Nat Hentoff David Horowitz Marianne Jennings Michael Kelly Mort Kondracke Ch. Krauthammer Lawrence Kudlow Dr. Laura John Leo David Limbaugh Michelle Malkin Jackie Mason Chris Matthews Michael Medved MUGGER Kathleen Parker Wes Pruden Sam Schulman Amity Shlaes Roger Simon Tony Snow Thomas Sowell Cal Thomas Jonathan S. Tobin Ben Wattenberg George Will Bruce Williams Walter Williams Mort Zuckerman Consumer Reports

Katie Couric demands that 'today' start at noon

Would Allow Host to Sleep Late, Go to Gym

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
JUST weeks after signing a $60 million contract to continue as host of NBC's "Today Show," Katie Couric has demanded that the program air at twelve noon to enable her to sleep late and go to the gym, a spokesman for Ms. Couric said today.

"Quite frankly, Katie Couric's sleep is more important than NBC's precious little show," said the spokesman, Mel Slade. "If they want Katie to start getting up early enough to be on the air at seven, they're going to have to pay her the big bucks."

If NBC agrees to Ms. Couric's demands and delays the program until twelve, that would make "Today" the first morning show on television ever to air in the afternoon.

In addition, Mr. Slade said, on days when Ms. Couric "doesn't really feel like doing the show," she is demanding that a high-tech digital "hostbot" sit in for her.

The "hostbot" is just one item on a lengthy laundry list of demands submitted by the increasingly cranky morning personality.

Ms. Couric is looking to be paid extra for introducing Al Roker's weather segments, for interviewing "super-boring" guests such as Sandra Bullock, and for acknowledging co-host Matt Lauer's existence.

All tolled, Ms. Couric's renegotiated contract could net the "Today" host as much as five zillion dollars a year, according to TV industry insiders.

Most of those insiders believe that NBC is likely to agree to Ms. Couric's demands, for fear of losing her unique talent to the up-and-coming Fox News Channel.

Fox has reportedly offered Ms. Couric ten zillion dollars a year to do absolutely nothing.

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS