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Jewish World Review Oct. 22, 2004 / 7 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Steinbrenner acquires nuclear weapon

Trades Alex Rodriguez to Kim Jong-Il | New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner acquired a nuclear weapon today in a transaction that sent slugger Alex Rodriguez and an undisclosed sum of cash to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

While national security experts were divided over what possible use Kim might have for the All-Star infielder, there was unanimity of opinion about Mr. Steinbrenner’s plans for his newly-minted nuclear arsenal.

“The warhead that George Steinbrenner has acquired, if deployed on a ballistic missile he already owns, could reach Fenway Park in a matter of minutes,” said Donaldson Tobin of the University of Minnesota.

Dr. Tobin, who studies the complex web of relationships between rogue states and baseball owners, said that no one should be surprised by the transaction between Mr. Steinbrenner and Kim Jong-Il: “They’ve been friends since the late 1980’s, when they met at an Axis of Evil golf outing in Scottsdale.”

As for the deal itself, Dr. Tobin believes that Mr. Steinbrenner may have gotten the better of his North Korean counterpart: “For all we know, Kim Jong-Il may think that ‘A-Rod’ means the same thing as ‘fuel rod.’”

On the campaign trail in Ohio, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry blasted President George W. Bush for allowing a weapon of mass destruction to fall into the hands of the mercurial Yankees owner.

“Thanks to the failed policies of George Bush, it is now easier to get a nuclear weapon than a flu shot,” Mr. Kerry said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz