Jewish World Review August 27, 2002 / 19 Elul, 5762
CNN urges U.S. not to invade Iraq until sweeps
Pre-sweeps regime change would be 'disastrous,' TV News giant says
In a strongly worded statement to the White House, the Cable News Network
warned the Bush administration today that any invasion of Iraq prior to the
November sweeps period would be "disastrous" to CNN's ratings.
"We completely agree with the administration's goal of regime change in Iraq," the
CNN statement read, "but not until sweeps."
The news giant, which has had its clock cleaned by the upstart Fox News Channel,
warned that any pre-sweeps invasion of Iraq could further destabilize the cable
news rating race.
In particular, according to the CNN statement, a pre-November 'whack-Iraq' strategy
could leave Fox News strongman Bill O'Reilly even stronger than before.
"The whole goal of invading Iraq during sweeps is to defeat Bill O'Reilly," the CNN
statement read. "We hope the administration will not lose sight of this goal."
The warning from CNN added to a growing chorus within the cable news industry
urging the President not to invade Iraq until sweeps, with CNBC and MSNBC having
already warned that a pre-November invasion of Iraq could be catastrophic to their
In other cable news news, Special Operations forces conducting mop-up missions
in Afghanistan scoured the area near Tora Bora looking for any remnants of Geraldo
While they have found no signs of the pistol-packing newsman's career as of yet,
they warned that their mission is far from over.
"Remember, we thought Phil Donahue's career had been eliminated, and there are
still shreds of that hanging around," said a Special Ops spokesman.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz