Jewish World Review May 6, 2002 /24 Iyar, 5762
'Spider-Man' film riddled with
inaccuracies, says man with way too
much time on his hands
Absence of Radioactive Spider Dooms Film's Realism, Ohio Man Says
The movie "Spider-man," which did tremendous opening business in the weekend
just past, is nonetheless plagued by horrendous inaccuracies, says an Ohio man
with way too much time on his hands.
Cody Steinmetz, 27, who waited in line for 48 hours to see the first showing of the
film at his local Akron multiplex, says that the movie's departure from reality is truly
shocking, even by Hollywood standards.
"In the movie, Peter Parker acquires spider-like powers after he is bitten by a
genetically altered spider," Steinmetz said. "Everyone knows that it takes a bite from
a radioactive spider to give you spider-like powers."
Steinmetz, who attended a local community college but has yet to move out of his
parents' house, says that the absence of a radioactive spider made the rest of the
"The only way a genetically altered spider could give you spider-like powers is if the
spider had itself been bitten by a radioactive spider first," Steinmetz said.
The Akron native, who owns a complete collection of Spider-man action figures in
their original packaging that he does not even let his best friend Zack touch, is now
bracing himself for a proposed "Incredible Hulk" movie.
"Everyone knows that Bruce Banner turns into the Incredible Hulk after being
exposed to gamma rays," Steinmetz said. "I shudder to think of what weak
explanation Hollywood comes up with."
As of press time, Steinmetz had yet to go out on a date with a woman.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz