Jewish World Review August 14, 2002 / 6 Elul, 5762
Beer drinking promotes longer life,
say drunken pilots
Recently Fired Cockpit Drunks Use Controversial 'Longevity Defense'
Hoping to exonerate themselves, two pilots who were recently fired by their airline
for engaging in a beer-drinking binge before flying have pointed to a new study
showing that drinking beer may add years to one's life.
"By drinking dozens of beers before takeoff, we were only hoping to extend our lives,"
said one of the drunken pilots. "We believed then, and we believe now, that our
remaining alive was in the best interest of our passengers."
While the drunken pilots' so-called "longevity defense" is unlikely to find a
sympathetic ear among the ever-dwindling flying public, Dr. Donald LeMasters of the
University of Minnesota says there is overwhelming data in favor of pre-flight beer
"In addition to drinking, recent studies have shown that gambling and having sex in
the cockpit may also increase one's life expectancy," Dr. LeMasters says. "As hard
as this may be for some people to swallow, science really is on the drunken pilots'
The new studies are a rare piece of good news in what has been a difficult week for
drunken pilots across the country.
With US Airways filing for bankruptcy this week, the number of drunken pilots filing
for first-time unemployment benefits reached 17,000, believed to be a new record.
In other airline news, American Airlines, attempting to raise much-needed cash,
said that passengers waiting on the runway to take off for four hours or more would
incur a "room charge" equivalent to a one-day hotel stay.
In addition, American said, the airline plans to start selling passengers' luggage
instead of merely losing it.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz