Jewish World Review April 19, 2002 /8 Iyar, 5762
Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage
Hits Olive Garden, Sizzler in Three-State Thrill-Swill Spree
Just moments after Fox TV cancelled her "Ally McBeal" series, wafer-like actress
Calista Flockhart ate her way through several Olive Garden, Sizzler, and Outback
Steakhouse restaurants in a frightening display of gluttony covering three Western
"It was like watching a feral cat who'd been forced to diet for five years," said Boyce
Grayson, who works in the kitchen at the Stockton, California Sizzler and witnessed
Ms. Flockhart tear into a raw side of beef, devouring it in five minutes flat.
The Golden Globe-winning actress received the news of her show's cancellation
yesterday morning, a friend said, while eating her usual breakfast - a glass of
bottled water and a grape - with her boyfriend, actor Harrison Ford.
"The minute she heard the news, she ripped the bagel and schmear out of
Harrison's hand and swallowed it whole," the friend said. "He said he was afraid for
The suddenly omnivorous Flockhart then drove to a Denny's restaurant in
Hollywood, but "went totally batshit" when she learned that it was too late to order
Denny's "Grand Slam" breakfast special.
Instead, witnesses said, Ms. Flockhart ate several chairs and a cigarette machine.
Ms. Flockhart is currently at large and could be hard to identify, forensic experts say,
because she may have gained between seventy and eighty pounds in the last
twenty-four hours alone.
In Washington, D.C., Homeland Defense czar Tom Ridge put the nation on a
Flockhart-driven "red" alert.
"Until we can find and subdue Calista Flockhart, it is essential that every American
not leave any donuts, Danishes, or crullers unattended," Ridge
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz