Jewish World Review Oct. 11, 2004 / 26 Tishrei, 5765
Election cancelled; focus group in Ohio to pick president
Bush, Kerry tailor messages to nine voters
With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the Federal Election Commission stunned the political world today by announcing that the election would be cancelled and that a focus group of nine voters in Ohio would pick the nation's next president instead.
The focus group, consisting of four men and five women, are expected to convene every day between now and Nov. 2 with electrodes glued to key regions of their bodies to measure their every response to President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry.
While reaction to the FEC's move was mixed, one election official in Florida praised the decision to cancel the vote: "This is kind of a relief, because we tested our new electronic voting machines last week and none of them really worked."
Moments after the FEC's announcement, the two candidates pulled their political ads from every state but Ohio and started tailoring their messages to appeal to the nine all-important focus group members.
At a rally outside the building where the focus group is housed, Sen. Kerry said, "President Bush's policies have helped Halliburton, but they have not helped Janie Darlington of 3562 Glenridge Road."
While the FEC's decision to place so much power in the hands of a focus group is undeniably controversial, one FEC official argued that it is not without precedent: "After all, nine people decided the 2000 election, too."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
© 2004, Andy Borowitz