Jewish World Review May 29, 2002 /18 Sivan, 5762
Bush urges CIA to pretend FBI agents
are Russian spies
Elaborate Charade Will Boost Sharing of Classified Information,
Frustrated by the lack of information sharing between the nation's two principal
intelligence agencies, President Bush has ordered the CIA to start pretending that
FBI agents are Russian spies.
It is the President's hope that this plan will lead to a steady flow of classified
documents from the CIA to the FBI.
Prominent intelligence experts hailed the President's move, with many of them
calling it bold and inspired.
"For years there has been a clash of cultures between the CIA and the FBI," said
Darren Holborn, a prominent intelligence expert. "However, no such culture clash
exists between the CIA and Russian spies."
Under Mr. Bush's plan, the CIA will "sell" classified information to the FBI in specially
arranged "drops" in strip-mall parking lots and other deserted locations.
In order to make the charade as realistic as possible will answer to Russian names
such as Ivan, Boris, and Natasha.
In addition, FBI agents are currently undergoing training to learn what have been
described as "real-sounding" Russian accents, using a government training film
produced by Hollywood mega-producer Jerry Bruckheimer.
While Administration insiders say that teaching FBI agents to pretend to be Russian
spies is an important step forward, they warn that much work remains to be done.
"It's great that we've found a way to get the CIA to talk to the FBI," one Administration
source said. "But we still haven't found a way to get anyone to talk to Tom
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz