Andy Borowitz
Kerry drops plans to use tortoise, hare
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is seeking a total ban on the use of animals in political ads after a coyote ate an ostrich during the filming of an ad for Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry.
According to a Kerry aide who witnessed the commercial shoot, an ostrich symbolizing President George W. Bush was supposed to stick its head in the sand while a coyote representing foreign terrorists appeared ominously in the background, but "we forgot to feed the coyote."
Instead of remaining in the background, the aide said, the hungry coyote pounced on the ostrich and swallowed it whole.
Under pressure from PETA and other animal rights groups, Mr. Kerry has now scrapped plans for new negative ads that were to have featured a tortoise, a hare, a grasshopper and an ant.
But with just one week to go until Election Day, Mr. Kerry may have already alienated a traditional Democratic constituency: bird-loving whack-jobs.
Campaigning in Florida today, Mr. Kerry was repeatedly interrupted by hecklers in the audience chanting "Goose killer! Goose killer!
Mr. Kerry departed from his prepared remarks to acknowledge that he did in fact go hunting for geese last week, but added, "I missed."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
