Jewish World Review Dec. 9, 2002 / 4 Teves, 5763
SUE THE BUMS!
When I heard that some patrons were suing McDonalds for making them obese, the
story had a profound effect on me. Usually in December I make New Year's
resolutions, but not this year. Instead, I'm going to sue all of the corporations who, in
their pursuit of the Almighty Buck, have made me the way I am.
First, I'm going to sue Aaron Spelling Productions, who produced the TV show
"Melrose Place," for making me stupid. I used to watch "Melrose" religiously,
completely unaware that by doing so I was shaving precious points off my I.Q. Aaron
Spelling Productions should have warned me of the negative impact its program was
having on my brain - and that omission, I'm afraid, is going to cost them one hundred
I'm going to sue the clothing store The Gap for selling me a pair of leather pants in the
early nineties. I thought they looked good when I tried them on in the store, but now I
realize that every time I wore them to a party I looked like a total idiot. True, as a result
of watching "Melrose Place" I may have in fact been a total idiot, but until The Gap sold
me those pants that was my little secret. For that, I hope to collect one hundred million
I'm going to sue the Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation for making the new
George Clooney film "Solaris." In the movie, George Clooney exposes his naked
bottom, forcing viewers to make invidious comparisons with my naked bottom. As my
reputation for being stupid has become widespread -- thanks to the handiwork of
Aaron Spelling and the Gap -- I've tried to compensate by having an attractive,
world-class bottom. The suffering and stress that this movie has caused my bottom is
going to cost Twentieth Century Fox one hundred mill.
And finally, I'm going to sue my lawyer. As my closest advisor, he should've alerted me
to all of these potential lawsuits sooner, so that I'd have the money in the bank by now.
I realize that my lawyer may think that suing himself represents a conflict of interest.
But once he realizes how much I'm asking him to sue himself for, he won't be able to
Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
12/05/02: Hosing sector remains strong
12/04/02: Greyhound reaffirms policy on bus drivers telling Taliban jokes
12/03/02: Microsoft buys Massachusetts
11/22/02: New tape may mean Al Gore is alive
11/21/02: Baby drops Michael Jackson from hotel balcony
11/20/02: Eminem enters anger-replenishment program
11/18/02: Jack Grubman admits hyping Toys 'R' Us stock in exchange for Chicken Dance Elmo
11/15/02: FBI and CIA agree to share the letter 'I': Congressional critics call agreement 'disappointing'
11/14/02: Voice on al Jazeera tape believed to be Rich Little
11/08/02: Daschle seeks leadership role at KFC
11/07/02: Saddam unimpressed by G.O.P. victory margin
11/06/02: Winning candidates to voters: "suckers!!!"
11/05/02: Politician accidentally airs positive ad
11/04/02: Queen Elizabeth exonerates Winona
11/01/02: Saddam hires Liza's hubby as liaison to weapons inspectors
10/30/02: Ken Lay to use 'method acting' defense
10/28/02: Angry white loner in van still on the loose, profilers warn
10/25/02: CNN asks public's help in finding new story
10/22/02: Saddam offers former prisoners plastic surgery to look like him
10/18/02: CBS Morning Show to go with ninety co-hosts
10/17/02: Obesity may be America's secret weapon in war on terror
10/16/02: Saddam trounces Gore in Iraqi election
10/15/02: Bin Laden seeking Botox, U.S. says
10/14/02: O.J. no longer "100% sure" he's innocent
10/11/02: Waging psychological warfare, U.S. drops VCR manuals on Iraq
10/10/02: Networks cancel sitcoms, dramas; will air Bush foreign policy speeches instead
10/08/02: Bin Laden removes his name from 'Osama' magazine
10/04/02: Downgrading of Lili wreaks damage in the millions for CNN, MSNBC
10/03/02: Yankees win divisional series for $175 million
10/02/02: New Jersey Democrats launch write-in campaign for Joe Piscopo
10/01/02: Torricelli quits senate race; will become corrupt CEO instead
09/30/02: U.N. to begin weapons inspections sometime between 8 and 12 this morning; asks Iraq if someone will be home
09/18/02: 'Monday Night Football' to air fights between fans instead of football
09/13/02: Airlines ban back-shaving on all domestic flights
09/10/02: Adam Sandler films on the increase, Center for Disease Control warns
09/09/02: GE still paying for Welch's crack, 'women'
09/06/02: Britney Spears' year off poses dire eco-threat
09/04/02: Air marshals defend 'controlled scaring' policy
09/03/02: Airlines to charge extra for airsickness bags
08/29/02: ABC admits it has no idea what it is doing
08/28/02: Steroid makers threaten strike
08/27/02: CNN urges U.S. not to invade Iraq until sweeps
08/26/02: Gore travels U.S. dressed as hobo
08/23/02: Sharks bemoan lack of summer media coverage
08/22/02: Clinton to star in 'C.S.I.' spin-off for CBS
08/20/02: CIA asks CNN to find Osama
08/14/02: Beer drinking promotes longer life, say drunken pilots
08/07/02: Copycat miners trap selves for movie deal
07/31/02: Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton unlikely to find equally icky new mates
07/24/02: As markets crash, the world asks: Where is Bono?
07/22/02: Time Warner admits it was high on crack when it merged with AOL
07/19/02: Poll: Most Americans believe they have already seen newHarrison Ford film
07/15/02: Brokerage houses to enclose Prozac with monthly statements
07/12/02: Baseball takes bold steps to alienate remaining fans
07/09/02: Michael Jackson accuses Sony Music chief of stealing his nose
07/03/02: CIA using American CEOs to infiltrate al Qaeda
06/13/02: Victims of Eminem's latest verbal assaults agree to mend their ways
06/10/02: June 17 named 'Athletes Obey the Law Day'
05/29/02: Bush urges CIA to pretend FBI agents are Russian spies
05/28/02: U.S. issues list of 5,000 bad things that might happen someday
05/22/02 Depression screening reveals: 98% of Americans depressed
05/20/02 Woody Allen sightings up sharply in 2002
05/16/02 Carter, in Wisconsin, sees no evidence of cheese
05/09/02 Showing commitment to democracy, Pakistan's leader runs negative ads against himself
05/07/02 Bush to dump cheney, run with Ozzy Osbourne in '04
05/06/02 'Spider-Man' film riddled with inaccuracies, says man with way too much time on his hands
05/02/02 Arafat placed under house arrest with former Sotheby's exec
05/01/02 Minnelli marriage enters Day 47, baffling experts
04/30/02 Saudis increase production of bossy foreign policy lectures
04/25/02: AlGore regrets breakdancing incident
04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
04/22/02: O.J. calls Robert Blake murder case 'derivative'
04/19/02: Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage
04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
04/17/02: Segway creator invents 'round thingy'
04/16/02: Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar to appear on VH1's 'where are they now?'
04/12/02: Ken Lay declares moral bankruptcy
04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
04/09/02: Oprah closes book club, opens pie club
04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
04/05/02: Halle Berry still sobbing uncontrollably
04/02/02: Baseball players strike
04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS
© 2002, Andy Borowitz