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Jewish World Review July 1, 2004 / 12 Tamuz, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

John Edwards undergoes charisma-removal surgery

Hopes to snag No. 2 slot on Kerry ticket | In the hopes of snagging the vice-presidential slot on the Democratic ticket headed by Senator John Kerry (D-Mass), Senator John Edwards (D-NC) today underwent an experimental surgical procedure designed to remove every trace of charisma from his body.

Dr. Byron Delafield, the surgeon who performed the charisma-extraction surgery, told reporters that he was “cautiously optimistic” that Mr. Edwards’ body was 100% charisma-free.

“We have successfully brought his charisma down to a range where it is barely detectable — somewhere between Dick Gephardt and Wesley Clark,” Dr. Delafield said.

Earlier in the week, Sen. Edwards had hinted that he might require extreme medical measures to make himself uncharismatic enough for Mr. Kerry, telling his audience at a rally in Pittsburgh, “I’m too sexy for my stiff.”

Kerry advisers have privately worried that Mr. Edwards’ rock-star appeal might overshadow Mr. Kerry, noting that Mr. Edwards’ audiences often remain awake for the duration of his speeches.

Reducing Mr. Edwards’ charisma level until it was below that of Mr. Kerry was a “unique challenge” of the surgical procedure, Dr. Delafield said,

“It’s hard to bring someone’s charisma down that low without losing his pulse,” he said.

Hours after the surgery was complete, Dr. Delafield said it was impossible to tell whether or not Mr. Edwards had regained consciousness, adding, “That is a very good sign.”

In related news, a new poll suggests possible trouble ahead for Mr. Kerry, with 57% agreeing with the statement, “I am afraid that John Kerry will poke me in the eye with his bony index finger.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz