Jewish World Review Oct. 18, 2002 / 12 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763
CBS Morning Show to go with ninety co-hosts
Will appear on gigantic rotating turntable, complete with trapdoors
In a decision intended to "break the mold of morning television," CBS today announced
that its "Early Show" would now feature ninety co-hosts appealing simultaneously to
ninety different demographic groups.
CBS said the ninety-host format would offer a startlingly new option for viewers used to
traditional morning shows, which generally feature two hosts, a newsreader, and a fat,
In addition, according to "Early Show" executive producer Michael Bass, "Having ninety
hosts will keep our viewers from despising any one host too much."
The ninety hosts will appear on an enormous mechanized turntable, rotating on the
same principle as a "Lazy Susan" at Thanksgiving.
But instead of offering a sumptuous buffet of holiday treats, the "Early Show" turntable
will usher forth a hodgepodge of network retreads and miscellaneous has-beens,
including former "Today" host Deborah Norville, former Olympian Mary Lou Retton,
former U.S. Vice President Walter Mondale, and the '80's rock band Dexy's Midnight
Runners, perhaps best known for their hit song "Come On, Eileen."
Each host will have an opportunity to speak for approximately fifteen to twenty seconds
before the turntable moves to its next position and a new host appears "as if by magic,"
Mr. Bass said.
The new turntable set-up will also allow the network to open a trapdoor below a poorly
performing host, abruptly eliminating him or her from the program forever.
The stakes couldn't be higher for CBS, who faces the prospect of their affiliates
reclaiming the two-hour morning block to air local programming, infomercials, and
hotel-room quality hardcore pornography.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz