Jewish World Review Dec. 23, 2004 / 11 Teves, 5765
Brawl erupts at Reindeer Games
Rudolph suspended for season
The recent epidemic of sports violence spread to the North Pole this week as a brawl erupted between fans and reindeer at this year's reindeer games, resulting in the ejection and suspension of Rudolph for the remainder of the season.
The games, a holiday classic that dates back to 1949, had a mostly uneventful history until 2002, the year that beer and other alcoholic beverages first became available for sale at the event.
Since then, fans say, the reindeer games have drawn increasingly unruly crowds who aggressively goad the creatures with catcalls and obscenities.
"Given how polluted the fans are, it's amazing that something like this didn't happen sooner," said Harlan McDougal, a fan who makes the trip from Pittsburgh every year to see the reindeer play.
Rudolph, under fire this season for taking time off to promote a new rap CD he produced, was the object of the fans' ire from early in the first period.
"Fans were shouting at him," Mr. McDougal said. "I didn't hear everything they said, but they were not shouting out with glee."
After nearly two periods of such abuse, Rudolph had had enough, prancing into the stands and attempting to gore several fans with his antlers.
Mr. McDougal said that alcohol may have played a role in Rudolph's violent rampage.
"It was obvious that he had been drinking," Mr. McDougal said. "Did you check out his nose?"
Elsewhere, experts said that if over-the-counter pain medications are banned and Viagra is not, women will say they have headaches more frequently than ever before.
Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
© 2004, Andy Borowitz