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Jewish World Review
Feb. 15, 2005
/ 6 Adar I, 5765
North Korea claims it possesses Ben Affleck film
Demands bilateral talks with U.S.
North Korea sent shockwaves through the international community today by announcing that it possesses an unreleased Ben Affleck film which it will open wide if the United States does not agree to bilateral talks.
Moments after North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il used his weekly radio address to drop the Affleck bombshell, intelligence experts acknowledged that the calculus in the Korean peninsula had irrevocably changed.
"If Kim is telling the truth about possessing an Affleck film, and we have reason to believe he is, it is time to upgrade the North Korean situation to a crisis," one CIA source said.
In Washington, intelligence professionals have long suspected that the North Korean madman was attempting to buy Affleck outtakes on the black market in the hopes of assembling a full-length feature film.
Over the past five years, unused footage from such Affleck stinkers as "Daredevil," "Jersey Girl" and "Paycheck" have made their way from the cutting room floor to such nations as Iran and Libya, both of whom are rumored to have funneled the deadly outtakes to North Korea.
"We now believe that North Korea's entire nuclear program may have merely been a decoy to distract us from their true goal: assembling a full-length Ben Affleck film," the CIA source said.
But as grave as the North Korean scenario may be, the source said, an even worse-case scenario may be on the horizon: "Several unreleased recordings by Clay Aiken have recently gone missing."
Elsewhere, the judge in the Michael Jackson case whittled down the jury pool to 242 potential book deals.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz