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Jewish World Review July 3, 2002 /23 Tamuz, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

CIA using American CEOs to infiltrate al Qaeda



Agency Expects Terror Group to Collapse Within Weeks

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The CIA acknowledged today that it has been employing disgraced CEOs of Fortune 500 companies to infiltrate al Qaeda and that it expects the international terror group to collapse within weeks.

"We believe that the forces of evil have finally met their match," a CIA spokesman said.

While the CIA would not identify which corporate sleazebags had been used in the highly sensitive operation, intelligence sources believe they were plucked from the ranks of Tyco, Enron, Xerox, WorldCom, Sotheby's and over ninety other recently disgraced companies.

The unidentified CEOs have reportedly been so successful in cooking al Qaeda's books that the once-flush terror network is now $30 billion in debt and may have to sell its long-profitable terror training camps at fire-sale prices.

In addition to the undercover CEO operation, the CIA is reportedly considering employing recently departed Vivendi-Universal chief Jean-Marie Messier in a mission to force the terror group into several highly leveraged, ill-advised media acquisitions.

According to the rumors, Monsieur Messier would steer the terror group's resources towards idiotic Internet and telecom ventures, as well as the purchase of a $17.5 million Park Avenue residence for Osama bin Laden.

The CIA poured cold water on those rumors, however, saying that it regarded Monsieur Messier as "a weapon of last resort."

"The use of Monsieur Messier would create so much devastation, it's really in the realm of the unthinkable," the spokesman said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz