Jewish World Review July 3, 2002 /23 Tamuz, 5762
CIA using American CEOs to infiltrate al Qaeda
Agency Expects Terror Group to Collapse Within Weeks
The CIA acknowledged today that it has been employing disgraced CEOs of Fortune
500 companies to infiltrate al Qaeda and that it expects the international terror group
to collapse within weeks.
"We believe that the forces of evil have finally met their match," a CIA spokesman
While the CIA would not identify which corporate sleazebags had been used in the
highly sensitive operation, intelligence sources believe they were plucked from the
ranks of Tyco, Enron, Xerox, WorldCom, Sotheby's and over ninety other recently
The unidentified CEOs have reportedly been so successful in cooking al Qaeda's
books that the once-flush terror network is now $30 billion in debt and may have to
sell its long-profitable terror training camps at fire-sale prices.
In addition to the undercover CEO operation, the CIA is reportedly considering
employing recently departed Vivendi-Universal chief Jean-Marie Messier in a
mission to force the terror group into several highly leveraged, ill-advised media
According to the rumors, Monsieur Messier would steer the terror group's resources
towards idiotic Internet and telecom ventures, as well as the purchase of a $17.5
million Park Avenue residence for Osama bin Laden.
The CIA poured cold water on those rumors, however, saying that it regarded
Monsieur Messier as "a weapon of last resort."
"The use of Monsieur Messier would create so much devastation, it's really in the
realm of the unthinkable," the spokesman said.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz