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Jewish World Review
April 29, 2005
/ 20 Nissan, 5765
Millions flee Katie Couric
By
Andy Borowitz
Today host ignites frenzied run for the border
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Incidents of widespread panic were reported across the country today as millions of terrified Americans fled Katie Couric, the host of the NBC's "Today Show."
The frenzied exodus marked the latest turn in the storied career of the morning host, once considered America's sweetheart but now widely seen as a ruthless diva capable of crushing all in her path at the slightest whim.
Gregory Drunson, 42, was one of hundreds who jammed a Greyhound bus terminal in Flint, Michigan, desperate to flee to Canada and be as far away as possible from the once-chirpy morning despot.
"I used to watch 'Today' every morning," Mr. Drunson said. "Now when I turn it on I am afraid that Katie Couric will burn a hole in me with her heat vision. I'm getting the hell out of here!"
The flood of refugees from Katie Couric might be the decisive factor in tipping the balance in the ratings war between "Today" and its closest rival, ABC's "Good Morning America."
According to Jode Croydon, who tracks the broadcasting industry for Credit Suisse First Boston, "News footage showing people packing up their belongings on the roofs of their cars to escape from Katie Couric could be harmful to the ratings of 'Today,' going forward."
But not so, says Jeff Zucker, President of the NBC Universal Television Group: "Anytime something happens that gets people talking about your show again it's a good thing, and this lemming-like rush to flee Katie definitely has people talking."
Elsewhere, the manufacturers of the Airbus A380 said that the giant plane will enable airlines to lose larger pieces of luggage than ever before.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
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© 2005, Andy Borowitz
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