Andy Borowitz
Non-existent spokesman apologizes to thousands
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Thousands of stranded holiday travelers unable to reach their Christmas destinations over the weekend were stunned to learn that the airline they had booked seats on, Comair, does not exist.
At first, Comair had blamed the cancellation of thousands of flights on a computer glitch, but with the possibility looming that travelers would soon discover that the airline itself did not exist, it decided to come clean.
"We are sorry if our imaginary status has in any way inconvenienced holiday travelers," said non-existent company spokesman Cheryl McKree. "I want to apologize to all of them on behalf of Comair and its 1500 fictitious employees."
She added that while the passengers' checked baggage did in fact exist, Comair had absolutely no idea where any of it was.
The news that Comair was nothing more than a figment of the imagination was a bitter pill for many of the stranded passengers to swallow.
"It was one thing when the airlines started getting rid of in-flight meals," said Sally Darnell, 33, who had hoped to visit her family in Cincinnati on Christmas. "But when the airlines start getting rid of the airlines, I think that's going a bit too far."
But Davis Combs, 27, who found himself stranded at the Charlotte airport, was more philosophical: "This means that I won't be able to spend the holidays with my in-laws, so I'm cool with it."
Elsewhere, in her first holiday letter from behind bars, Martha Stewart called for better conditions in prison, saying that the food was bad and the stock tips were terrible.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
