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Jewish World Review May 19, 2005 / 8 Iyar, 5765 Kerry threatens to talk for one hour By Andy Borowitz Could be violation of Geneva Conventions, legal scholars say http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Adding fuel to the current controversy over Senate filibusters, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) today threatened to speak for a solid hour on the Senate floor, an act which several prominent legal scholars said could be in violation of the Geneva Conventions against torture. Sen. Kerry issued his threat today in the trademark monotone that became familiar to millions during his ill-fated run for the presidency in 2004. "I'm going to speak for a solid hour and there's nothing any of you can do to stop me!" bellowed the Massachusetts senator, causing Democrats and Republicans alike to rush for the exits of the Senate chamber. While some political insiders called Sen. Kerry's threat to speak for an hour little more than a scare tactic, legal scholars believe that should the Massachusetts senator make good on his threat he could draw the ire of Amnesty International and other human rights watchdog groups. "Senator Kerry threatens to talk for an hour at his own peril," said Dr. Ivan Connaught, who has spent the last thirty years studying the Geneva Conventions at the University of Minnesota. "According to my reading of the Conventions, listening to John Kerry speak for anything over ten minutes would have to be considered cruel and unusual punishment." The senator's wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, said today that even she had never been forced to listen to her husband speak for an entire hour. "When he opens his piehole, that's when I whip out my iPod," she said. Elsewhere, a terrorist seeking 72 virgins was found waiting on line for the new "Star Wars" film. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. BOROWITZ'S LATEST "The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers"   This book has page after page of "news stories" too hot, too controversial, too   —   yes, shocking   —   for the mainstream press to handle. Sales help fund JWR. Comment by clicking here. JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. Andy's Archives © 2005, Andy Borowitz

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