Jewish World Review Oct. 15, 2002 / 9 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763
Bin Laden seeking Botox, U.S. says
Camera-shy evildoer looking to eradicate crow's feet, frown lines
Osama bin Laden isn't dead - he just looks like hell.
That's the assessment of U.S. intelligence officials who said that there is hard
evidence that bin Laden has been trying to obtain large amounts of the
wrinkle-erasing elixir Botox in recent weeks.
The speculation in intelligence circles is that the world's most wanted evildoer may
not be appearing on camera these days because he hates the way he looks - and
sees Botox as the secret to a younger and sexier-looking Osama bin Laden.
"There's no doubt about it, all that running around from cave to cave is going to take
its toll on your face, especially around the eyes and the mouth," said Sherrie
Spinelli, a beautician from Astoria, New York who is working closely with the CIA in
investigating the Osama-Botox connection.
Further confirmation of bin Laden's quest for Botox came from a television producer,
speaking on condition of anonymity, who recently shot an al Qaeda infomercial for
broadcast on the al Jazeera television network.
"We were playing back the dailies for Osama, and he just threw a fit when he saw
how old and tired he looked," said the producer. "There is no way he will appear on
TV again until he does something about those wrinkles, especially around the eyes
and the mouth."
Meanwhile, intelligence officials refused to confirm or deny reports that bin Laden
crony Mullah Omar has been on the super-trendy Atkins diet for the past four weeks
and has already lost ten to fifteen pounds of body fat while gaining lean muscle
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz