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Jewish World Review
April 7, 2005
/ 27 Adar II, 5765
Shark attack postponed until slower news week
Lack of media coverage cited
Thousands of sharks that have swarmed off the coast of Florida in recent days swam out to sea today, postponing a long-planned shark attack until a slower news week.
Sammy Lamartine, a spokesperson for the sharks, said that the finny predators aborted their attack at the last moment when they realized that they were unlikely to receive the level of media attention they usually garner for their aquatic rampages.
"With the number of high-profile deaths and state funerals this week, plus Michael Jackson's former maid testifying, it became obvious that the sharks just weren't going to get the airtime they're accustomed to," Mr. Lamartine said. "We all decided it would be better to try again in the middle of August when there is dick going on."
Mr. Lamartine, who was retained by the sharks last summer to help reposition their media strategy, said that convincing his toothy clients to put their attack on hold was no mean feat.
"They want to attack whenever they smell blood, regardless of whether they're going to get on television," Mr. Lamartine said. "What can I tell you? They're sharks."
But the sharks' spokesperson said that after lengthy discussions, the sharks agreed that the timing for such an attack, which had been meticulously planned for months, was no longer advantageous: "I told them, quite bluntly, if Prince Charles can postpone his wedding I think you can move your little shark attack."
Elsewhere, two companies announced plans for devices that would enable TV viewers to change channels with voice commands, hoping to cash in on America's burgeoning market of immobile lazy pigs.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005, Andy Borowitz
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