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Jewish World Review Jan. 26, 2004 / 3 Shevat, 5764

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Consumer Reports

KIm Jung-Il terrified by Dean

Former Vermont gov. a 'madman,' says madman | North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il got his first glimpse of Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean on the evening of the Iowa caucuses last week and is now "terrified" by the former Vermont governor, associates of Kim revealed today.

According to those sources, the ruthless North Korean had spent a long, hard day reprocessing nuclear fuel rods and was looking for something relaxing to watch on TV when Dean first appeared on the screen, delivering his bizarre post-Iowa concession speech.

As Dean built to a crescendo, Kim appeared alarmed and agitated, the sources said.

"Who is that madman?" the madman reportedly said.

According to one of Kim's aides, "There's only one way to describe the look on Kim's face when he was watching Dean: pure, unadulterated terror."

Kim's every waking moment is now haunted by his fear of Howard Dean, the aide revealed.

"At night, Kim gets out of bed and wanders the hallways in his pajamas, muttering Dean's name," the aide said. "Dean really gives him the willies."

But according to Dr. Randolph Koestler, a professor of Far East Studies at the University of Minnesota, Kim's all-consuming fear of Howard Dean could impel the brutal dictator to abandon his nuclear program if Dean is elected President.

"Above all, Kim does not want to do anything that will set Howard Dean off," Dr. Koestler said. "As far as Kim Jung-Il is concerned, getting Howard Dean mad is the nightmare scenario."

In another positive development for the former Vermont Governor, a new polls shows that most Americans would rather see Howard Dean in the White House than free to roam the streets.

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Andy Borowitz Archives

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.



© 2003, Andy Borowitz