Jewish World Review March 4, 2002 / 20 Adar, 5762
Britney Spears is not a girl
But Pop Diva Is Not Yet a Woman, Dusseldorf Scientists Conclude
GERMAN scientists who took part in a conference at the University of Dusseldorf this
week have concluded that pop diva Britney Spears is not a girl, according to the
published findings of the conference.
"She is not a girl," said Dr. Gustav von Helmholtz, who organized the Dusseldorf event.
"However, she is not yet a woman."
The question of whether Britney Spears is a girl or a woman has puzzled scientists for
years, so the Dusseldorf findings - that Ms. Spears is not a girl, not yet a woman -
represent a significant breakthrough.
Furthermore, the news that Ms. Spears is not a girl, not yet a woman is crucial, the
conference participants appear to be saying, because it will determine how people
treat the multi-platinum artist in the future.
"There is no need to protect her," said Dr. Reimar Ertel, one of the conference
participants. "It's time that she learned to face up to this on her own."
Some of the scientists who attended the Dusseldorf event indicated that, given her
unique status as someone who is not a girl, not yet a woman, Ms. Spears might need,
in the words of Dr. Hans Mintrop, "time, a moment that is hers, while she's in between."
The conference concluded with a screening of Ms. Spears' first film, "Crossroads,"
which caused several of the German scientists to observe that while Britney Spears is
not a girl, not yet a woman, she is definitely not an
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz