Jewish World Review July 22, 2002 /13 Av, 5762
Time Warner admits it was high on
crack when it merged with AOL
'Explains A Lot,' Wall Street experts say
In an attempt to soothe its shareholders' rattled nerves, Time Warner admitted today
that it was high on crack when it made its ill-fated decision to merge with AOL.
"We learned one thing from the AOL decision," said a spokesman for the combined
entity. "Media mergers and crack do not mix."
Wall Street pros applauded Time Warner's candor regarding its crack-fueled merger
move, saying that it was the only explanation that made any sense.
"After all of that talk about 'synergy', it's refreshing to hear them finally admit that they
were just high on crack," said Lorin Donnelly, who follows media stocks for Credit
Suisse First Boston. "It really explains a lot."
Going forward, the company spokesman said, AOL-Time Warner would refrain from
smoking crack, "especially when deciding upon mergers or other strategic
Instead, he said, the company will focus on finding new and more innovative ways to
blame everything on its departed chief operating officer, Robert Pittman.
"In the past, we've used the nickname Bob 'Pitchman' to denigrate Mr. Pittman," the
spokesman said. "But we believe that there are even more insulting nicknames for
Mr. Pittman out there -- and by G-d, we intend to use them."
Insulting nicknames for Mr. Pittman currently under consideration include:
"Rich-man," since Mr. Pittman reportedly walked away from the mutilated company
with $66 million; "Ditchman," since Mr. Pittman dug the enormous hole that the
company presently finds itself in; and "B---chman," since digging their way out of that
hole will be a b--ch, man.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz