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Jewish World Review
Jan. 6, 2005
/ 25 Teves, 5765
Dean: Dems must pass torch to new generation of losers
By
Andy Borowitz
Promises fresh approach to defeat as DNC head
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean today announced his candidacy for the chairmanship of the Democratic National Committee, proclaiming, "It is time for the Democrats to pass the torch to a new generation of losers."
Mr. Dean made his announcement in Burlington, Vermont to a crowd of supporters and well-wishers, many of whom were instrumental in helping him lose in 2004.
"As Democrats, we cannot afford to continue with our old ways of losing," he said. "We must find new ways of losing."
Promising "a fresh approach to defeat," Mr. Dean told his audience, "In the past, we have lost by being boring and uncharismatic, but I believe we must lose by being crazy and wild-eyed."
But just hours after his speech, Mr. Dean received a sharp rebuke from two of the Democratic Party establishment's most prominent losers, former Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis and former Vice President Walter Mondale.
"So, Howard says he has all kinds of new-fangled ways to lose," said a skeptical Mr. Mondale. "What I'd like to know is, 'where's the beef'?"
"Say what you will about being boring and uncharismatic, but it certainly helped me lose in 1988," Mr. Dukakis added.
Political science professor Jude Krenzel of the University of Minnesota says he is not surprised that the race for DNC chair has grown so heated: "It's pretty much the only office that a Democrat has a shot at winning."
Elsewhere, experts said that if a toxic train wreck occurred in Washington, D.C. it would look a lot like the Department of Homeland Security.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers". (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.)
© 2005 Andy Borowitz
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