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Jewish World Review
Jan. 18, 2005
/ 8 Shevat, 5765
CIA attacks al-Qaeda with prescription drugs
Secret weapon in War on Terror
The Central Intelligence Agency has implemented a new plan to destroy the al-Qaeda terror network by convincing the terrorists to start taking hazardous prescription drugs, the agency confirmed today.
Within the intelligence community, hopes are high that evildoers will begin taking the medications and will soon afterwards suffer from a broad range of serious side effects, including heart attacks and death.
According to one CIA source, agency analysts developed the prescription drug strategy after they viewed a video of al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden walking in mountainous terrain and noticed that he seemed to be experiencing "a certain degree of joint pain."
The source said that on Monday of this week the agency launched a multimillion-dollar marketing campaign aimed at terrorists and madmen around the world, urging them to start taking several recently discredited pharmaceuticals.
In one commercial currently airing on the Arabic-language al-Jazeera network, an actor portraying a terrorist says, "I was in so much pain, I just didn't feel like going on jihad anymore."
After praising a prescription arthritis medication, however, the same evildoer is seen jumping through an obstacle course at a terror training camp, saying, "Now I wake up every morning ready to kill the infidels!"
According to the CIA source, prescription drugs may be the secret weapon that the spy agency has long been looking for to win the war on terror: "The bad guys may have Anthrax, but we have Vioxx."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz