Jewish World Review March 7, 2002 / 23 Adar, 5762
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | In the latest shake-up at ABC News, the network announced today that sultry video diva Jennifer Lopez will replace Peter Jennings as anchor of the network's signature "World News Tonight" broadcast.
Ms. Lopez will assume her duties on the program, renamed "J to Tha Lo and the Booty-licious News," starting next Monday.
The network also announced plans to dump hosts Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts from its Sunday morning news program "This Week" and replace them with the popular animated cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants.
The decision to hire Mr. SquarePants was seen by broadcast industry insiders as a particularly shrewd one, since the sponge-like cartoon character's audience is considerably younger than that of Mr. Donaldson and Ms. Roberts.
At press time, the only two ABC news personalities still employed by ABC News appeared to be Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters, but their roles were being dramatically scaled back to one steel-cage wrestling match a week.
In New York, ABC News President David Westin was reportedly blindsided by all of these explosive developments, having first learned about them from Jake the shoeshine man in the ABC News lobby.
A statement released by his bosses at ABC attempted to explain Mr. Westin's burgeoning cluelessness.
"It has been the policy of ABC for some time not to tell David Westin anything," the statement read.
The statement went on to say that Mr. Westin knew nothing of ABC's recent pursuit
of David Letterman, the Donaldson and Roberts firings, or the war in
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC