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Jewish World Review Oct. 8, 2002 / 2 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Bin Laden removes his name from 'Osama' magazine

Lifestyles monthly no longer represented his vision, evildoer says | In yet another blow to the already struggling glossy magazine sector, al Qaeda terror chief Osama bin Laden today demanded that his name be removed from the lifestyles monthly "Osama", which debuted to much fanfare last year.

The world's most wanted evildoer said that "Osama" no longer represented his "personal vision" and said that the Thanksgiving issue, whose cover features bin Laden in an apron and oven mitts holding a turkey platter, would be his last.

It was a stunning blow for high-flying "Osama" magazine, which had been one of the publishing world's few instant hits in recent years.

The magazine, which had been chock full of celebrity profiles of such Osama pals as Mullah Omar -- as well as beauty features with titles like "Grow That Sexy Beard!" -- was a publishing sensation when it first appeared in January 2001.

But bin Laden soon found himself butting heads with the German publishing conglomerate behind the magazine who felt that the evildoer was hiring too many relatives on the editorial staff and was damaging the magazine's image by releasing a plethora of spooky videos to the Al-Jazeera TV network.

The magazine was further hampered by the sudden unavailability of its next two scheduled cover subjects, "American Taliban" John Walker Lindh and "Shoe Bomber" Richard Reid, forcing the editors to accept two last-minute substitutes, former "Beverly Hills 90210" star Shannon Doherty and singer Phil Collins.

One staff member expressed "relief" that bin Laden was ending his association with the magazine.

"I don't know if Osama bin Laden is dead or alive, but as an editor he didn't know his ass from a cave in Tora Bora," the staffer said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


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© 2002, Andy Borowitz