Jewish World Review July 15, 2002 /6 Av, 5762
Brokerage houses to enclose Prozac
with monthly statements
Time-released 'Prozac Monthly' Called Bear-Market Wonder Drug
Small investors who have been reamed by losses in Tyco, Enron and other
disastrous stocks will notice a little something extra in the next monthly statement
from their brokerage houses:
Starting in August, major Wall Street brokerages will take the extraordinary step of
distributing a new time-released form of the popular antidepressant, Prozac Monthly
™, to help investors ride out these bearish times.
"The fast-acting pill should kick in just as the investor sees how the value of his
assets compares to the previous month," says Dr. Curtis Fellows, who advised the
brokerages on how best to incorporate Prozac into their monthly mailings.
"But since the pill is designed to last a month, it will linger in the investor's system
long enough to help him absorb any bad news coming down the pike - and you
know there's plenty more coming," Dr. Fellows said.
Most investors are receiving only one pill with their monthly statements, but those
with major stakes in Martha Stewart Omnimedia or Vivendi-Universal may receive
three to four.
While brokerages are confident that Proxac Monthly™ is a miracle drug for these
bearish times, Carlton Riddick, a Wall Street observer and a critic of the pill-mailing
program, says it does not go far enough.
"They really should send you a loaded gun, so you can just blow your brains out," Mr.
A spokesman for the brokerages said that sending loaded guns with the monthly
statements had been under consideration, but was ultimately rejected.
"At the end of the day, we couldn't be 100% confident that the investors would use
the guns on themselves," the spokesman said.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz