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Jewish World Review March 8, 2005 / 27 Adar I, 5765 Syria says it wants to spend more time with its family By Andy Borowitz
Explains Decision to Leave Lebanon
Choking back tears in a forty-five minute press conference that was suffused with emotion, Syria reflected on its decision to leave Lebanon.
"As someone who's occupied Lebanon for thirty years, I don't regret a minute of it," said Syria, flanked by family members and supporters. "I can look back and honestly say, I've had a darn good run."
Explaining that it "didn't want to stay too long at the dance," Syria added, "I've always wanted to go out on top, and that's what this decision is all about."
Calling its pullout from Lebanon "not an ending, but a beginning," Syria said it looked forward to having time to travel, write a book, and drive its kids to soccer practice.
"My family is going to be seeing so much of me, they're going to wish I was still occupying Lebanon!" Syria joked.
In response to reporters' questions, Syria denied that its decision to leave Lebanon had anything to do with mounting pressure from over three hundred nations including the U.S., France, Britain, Saudi Arabia and, as of late last night, Liechtenstein and Andorra.
"This decision is not about Syria bowing to pressure," Syria said. "This is all about Syria wanting to work on Syria's golf swing."
Elsewhere, in a crushing blow for the actor Robert Blake, the jury in his murder trial today found Mr. Blake "not a celebrity."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz
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