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Jewish World Review Nov. 6, 2002 / 1 Kislev, 5763

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

WINNING CANDIDATES TO VOTERS: "SUCKERS!!!"


In victory speeches across U.S., winners promise to break campaign promises

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | With remarkable unanimity, winners in Tuesday's congressional and gubernatorial elections used their victory speeches to send a clear, unambiguous message to the voters who elected them: campaign promises are meant to be broken.

"To all those voters who supported me because I promised to increase government services while cutting taxes, let me says this: suckers!!!" said winning congressional candidate Jim Cooper (D-NE) in a Omaha hotel ballroom packed with supporters.

Newly elected congressman David Hawkins (R-OH) echoed Mr. Cooper's sentiments, telling supporters in Cincinnati, "Tomorrow I'm going to roll up my sleeves and get down to the hard job of breaking all of my campaign promises, one by one."

Mr. Hawkins, who ran on a platform of "no more business as usual," amended that promise slightly, saying that as of his victory Tuesday night, it was "business as usual."

In a stirring conclusion to his speech, he promised "to serve the private interests that funded my campaign and to let everyone else kiss my fat ass."

Dr. Calvin Porter, professor of political science at the University of Minnesota, called the candidates' public pledges to break their campaign promises "refreshingly candid" and "a positive trend."

"By openly telling the public that they're going to break all of their campaign promises, these candidates are making themselves accountable," Dr. Porter said. "When they come up for re-election, the public will judge just how well they have broken all of the promises they promised to break."

Nebraska's Cooper, perhaps, best exemplified this new trend Tuesday night when he told his supporters, "To all of the promises I made during this campaign, let me now add one word: NOT!!!"

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz